sometimes

the people who matter you take for granted
and the people you spend the most effort on are the ones you won't remember

so so..

school is such a bum.
and sometimes, food can be too. we went to dinner at Famous Dave's during our overnight speech trip, and..mmmm...I have incredibly high standards set for corn muffins now. and root beer. which kinda sucks because I'm a total sucker for the taste of root beer, and if I'm not satisfied with root beer, the world is kind of unsatisfying in general. xD

well, what's new. I've been drenched in homework for the past week. my pre-calc grade has sunk downwards to the (non-Asian) failing point. I made the cast of the spring play. and I'm hungry. I gave up being vegetarian after 9 months because of frickin hunger.
so...I'm allergic to a lot of stuff, and among this list of stuff is soy. soy milk, soy beans, and tofu is all off the list of my vegetarian diet. a vegetarian without soy options typically makes for a pretty darn hungry vegetarian. I was actually totally fine for the first 9 months. but somehow (I won't say it's deliberate, because I don't see why it would be) my mother's cooking has confined itself to dishes all including something that I'm allergic to. most of these all include soy, which is understandable since my mom is vegetarian. But that means there's not a lot of stuff I can eat at the dinner table, and the food I can eat isn't all that appealing to me. Eating an entire meal of one dish isn't all that appetizing, so I can't make myself eat a full meal's worth, and my stomach stays unsatisfied.

I want..a corn muffin. Any corn muffin.

I feel really..

weird. different. solid. melting.
nothing like the person I was 9 months ago living in Troy. nothing like who I was even last month, last week. there's something bitter on the inside that's pushed away what used to matter to me, and drawn me towards the very fears I used to hold. trust me, I won't go on drugs, and I'm not going to be an alcoholic, although I won't deny that sometimes I feel like I could really use a cigarette.
I never used to get stressed out. Or maybe I just had nothing to get stressed out over..but it's not like I do now! I was so chill as a kid. My parents would get pissed off and start yelling and I'd just sit there. take it. and when the climax was done with and the resolution getting a bit too drawn out, I'd always ask "are you done yet?" + something silly like "I still have homework."
But my parents don't fight as much anymore. Every night has been reduced to maybe one or two times per month. I never even thought about it as a kid, just kind of took it as a way of life. I was always the toughie in middle school, in a kind of messed up way. I cried over the little things but not the big, because I was adapted for crisis.
Not anymore. Pretty much anything pisses me off now. PMS?xD but even so, I've never been like this before..not so consistently, typically, pissed. Is that just human nature? Usually I'm either really high, really low, or just content. Not like this. Never like this.
Last night just pissed me off. Today just pissed me off. In my final speech round today, while everyone was performing, all I could think about was how frickin sucky my life typically is. But then I remembered..the spring play. The atmosphere in that room for the meeting about it. It was so comfy, and accepting, and..just downright unifying being with some of my closer friends planning to work together for such a massive team effort. And heartwarming. mm.
That's another thing..the whole 'spring play' thing, auditions, and like..really publicly exploiting that sort of talent just FREAKS me out. a LOT. which makes me want to do it all the more.o-o

Anyways, I got an awesome looking trophy at today's speech meet!
Like, seriously, I'm not bragging about place, I guess I'm glad I placed. this is the first meet where I guess the placing was actually accurate..there was effing construction in the next room(drilling. very frickin loud drilling) going on during my final round, so absolutely nobody was listening to me, and I was just trying really hard to finish without cracking up.
But like, who ever sees TIGER trophies? HUH? HUH? :D My mom's not gonna be happy when I bring it home though....she hates tigers..

peace out girlscout<3.

Emily Dickinson is officially my favorite poet.

GAWD I'M SUCH A NERD. But after this poetry unit and doing poetry for Speech(not to mention that my English teacher this semester is absolutely AMAZING), I've developed a huge respect for poetry. Before, I only saw words. Now, I just get caught up in the beauty of the words, and how easily they can shape into the mold of your life. Emily Dickinson's writing always seemed so abstract and senseless, but then...if you actually analyze it, its amazing. I crammed a 3 page essay today after school in two hours on analyzing a poem of hers. It was incredibly stressful, and I'm pretty sure I failed, but it was still eye-opening. [Anonymous] was right, poetry does qualify as one of those things that makes sense when it seems like almost nothing else does.

When Libby was talking about her fashion history class up at U of M, she mentioned how every style was inspired by something. Everything has to come from somewhere, has to have some sort of motivation. It's comforting to know that music and poetry, two incredibly intimate things, came from somewhere with enough heart and raw emotion to produce such incredible, moving work.


We all have skills, we all have talent. We all have tools. But it's what you do with what you've got that makes all the difference.

I resolve to get all As this semester. No more apathy! :)
^---dude, I really hope this works.